Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Here we go once again...

Once again I thought I was capable of being able to write another post....and yet it has taken me all this time. I have been getting the message over and over to write and share my story. 5 years ago I had a full vision of my first book. I even saw the cover of it. I saw that it was going to help thousands, if not millions of people...
I will say this again, I am not a writer. I hated school and never felt good enough to be able to write...but this story...the story of my life I know will help so many people. It is burning inside of me to share it...and yet each time I think of sharing, fear sets in. The fear of how my family will feel after I speak my truth stops me from writing.

As a healer, I know that I am no good to anyone unless I unleash these truths and share. I have been and will most likely be judged for the rest of my life...so why hold back?? It IS time now to let go and follow my heart and soul....so here we go once again...

Going back to that little girl that I once was, I never could explain why people would tell me their deepest darkest secrets. My parents used to fight over everything. I was the one they sat at the table to listen to their sides. Each one trying to prove that they were right in some way. Both of my brothers somehow were allowed to escape..but oh not me. I was forced to just sit there for hours while they each pleaded their cases. They even discussed their sexual problems to me. Yes I know this sounds extremely crazy...but as a healer I now get it. I was able to hold the space for them to unleash. Not a healthy thing for a little girl...but that was MY normal.

Let me take you back to that shop where I left off in the last post. I explained how I paraded around in front of the men who worked for my father. I was constantly seeking attention and approval. I wore the shortest of shorts and walked around that shop as if I was a woman on the prowl. I had no idea why I thought that was what I was supposed to do.....The summer when I was 7 was when I found out my mother was pregnant with my youngest brother. I was ecstatic!!! I loved babies, I carried around dolls with me wherever I went. I was given an Annie diary (remember the movie) for Christmas that year. Each day I wrote in it and all I talked about was the new baby that was coming. I was counting down the days until it would arrive.

That summer we took a 2 month trip over to Europe. My father had shipped over our motorhome so we could travel around and visit family. We went from country to country exploring and camping. Sounds like a dream doesn't it? Sadly it was anything but that. Their fighting always scared us.

The most memorable time on that trip was our visit to Lourdes, France. The Pope was in town. People had come from all over the world to be there to see him. For those that do not know anything about Lourdes...it is the place where St. Bernadette had apparitions of Mother Mary and where she was told to dig a spring of water for the town. That water is said to be so healing and holy. Visitors gather there in hope to heal their physical but also mental illnesses. There were thousands upon thousands of people in wheelchairs and crutches. I remember feeling so overwhelmed by all of it that the second I touched this spring water I was brought to tears. I sobbed and I sobbed...and only now do I understand as a healer that I was picking up on everyone's energy and emotions. I was not upset by this...but rather confused. I wanted to see all these people leave there healed and smiling. It was quite the experience. Within days of this experience, I became very ill. I had a horrible throat infection. I ended up in a hospital somewhere near Paris. I was under the weather for days but was still so happy that I got to go to see the Pope.

Once we came back from Europe and I started school in the fall...I was now in the 3rd grade. All I thought about day in and day out was this new baby that was coming in to our lives. It was what kept me going and gave me some excitement again about life. Yes I was so young but way wiser beyond my years. I knew that none of us were happy. Everyone was struggling in their own ways between my mother, father, brother and I. Somehow I believed this new baby would make my parents happy again....
The night he was born is a night that I had blocked out for almost 30 years. I will explain that one in the next post...I must gain my courage to do so...

I know I am all over the place with writing this story...but to be honest, that is how it is coming out for me...so please bare with me through this journey. It is taking every ounce of my courage to even try sharing. There is so much to tell and I promise I will...in my own timing if I can. I thank you for your patience with me and am grateful if you are reading this...

I will not say when I will write again, because I have no idea when that will happen...but I will do my best🙏❤