Saturday, February 18, 2017

Back at it...

     It has now been over one year exactly since writing my last blog post. It became too difficult for me to continue as I wasn't sure if I could go back there again in my mind.  I thought I was ready....but clearly needed to do some more healing before I could get back at it.

     So for those that read my last entry, I suppose it was rather a cliffhanger. I wrote about the shop that we lived above.  This is the place that I remember some of my earliest disturbing memories. This is extremely difficult for me to even type...but I am going to push through that in hopes of helping just one soul out there by writing this! 

     I can still remember the strong smell of the fresh paint coming from the auto body shop downstairs. When we first moved in to the small apartment above, I remember being so excited. The place had so many neat little rooms. The building was huge, or so it was to me as a child. I spent most of my days exploring every nook and cranny of the place. There were even old abandoned vehicles in the back of the property. My girlfriend and I used to collect old cigarette butts off the ground that the mechanics would throw away. We gathered as many as we could and would go to the old cars and literally smoke every single one. I was 7 years old at the time. My brother caught us one day and threatened to tell my parents. I was absolutely terrified. I cannot even imagine how they would have reacted, but I knew it would be really bad. So how did he let me off the hook? He made me swear to do all his chores for 1 year!! Yes 1 whole year! I never complained, I just followed along so that I could avoid the wrath of my parents.

     It was 1982 and the era for wearing short shorts and jelly shoes. I remember always trying to dress up in my mothers stylish clothing. I loved putting on her green and blue eye shadow and prancing around the house. Most little girls do this, or so I believe. I am assuming it is quite normal....but what I now realize what isn't normal is the feeling I had parading in front of my fathers mechanics that worked for him. I WANTED their attention. I waited for them to notice me. There was one particular guy that to this day I will never forget the look in his eyes. He was leering after me. I wanted the attention but at that moment, it truly scared me. 
Why was I acting this way? Why did I want this attention so bad. That is something it took me so many years to truly understand. 

     I will skip ahead to almost 30 years later....I was 35 when I had my second son. I had gone to see a psychic/healer as I was feeling so unsettled. I started to have these horrific flashbacks to my childhood. Things that just didn't make sense. I went to her to see if she could help me understand what was happening....she did open up the deep dark box that I had been suppressing for almost 30 years....

     Now I will go back once again to that little girl....I was such a shy soul. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I spent most of my childhood somewhat floating out of my body. I daydreamed almost all day long. It was a way for me to escape. I also watched a lot of tv and listened to music to keep my mind busy. 

     I never quite felt a connection to my mother, she always seemed to be so cold to me...even at 7 years old I remember feeling as though she didn't see me. I was always in trouble for something. She used to make fun of my baby photo from the day I came home from the hospital. She would tell me that I was such an ugly baby. She would tell me what an awful time she had after having me. She said she cried all the time and that all I wanted to do was nurse. This was my normal. I was used to hearing those words throughout my life. As a mother myself now, I thought my children were the most beautiful things in the world when they came out! I cannot ever imagine not only feeling those things, but actually saying them! I now recognize that she had extremely bad postpartum depression. I believe she never bonded with me while she was pregnant. She was so unhappy in her life and having me was a "burden". She never found that bond or love for me....and that I will explain later on in another blog. 

     I believe what I find the most difficult about writing this blog is that there is just so much to tell....I am glad I am doing this tonight. I've thought about it all year long, yet just couldn't bring myself to do it. I feel the time is now right. I feel I will write again even tomorrow. The words are wanting to spill from my mind and out my fingers...although I think for tonight this is enough....I want to take some time to process and come back again fresh and rested, ready to continue on with the story of my life. To anyone that happens to stumble upon my blog, know that it is no coincidence. I am so grateful that you have taken time out of your life...to listen to mine. 

Namaste
Karina