It has been so long since I have written a post for the blog. It has been a VERY busy few years. I started a Podcast in March of 2020 and I found it much easier to get my thoughts and words out in that way...but today I felt the strong gut feeling to write out some of the episodes for those that do not listen to podcasts.
Here is one that I felt should be the first, it is all about Addiction:
I've been a little bit reluctant to do an episode about addiction because it can be such a sensitive topic for many people, including myself...but with many of us going back in to lockdown, my spirit team has been whispering in my ear all day to do this episode. The sense of urgency that I have felt from them the entire day, tells me that it is crucial and I need to make this one a priority over any others.
Since I was 13 I have battled addiction on and off...but I think when people hear the word addiction, they automatically assume it is to drugs and alcohol, and most of the time that rings true...but over the years I have battled other addictions that were not only drugs and alcohol.
As far as I know, there are two types of addiction. The first one is a chemical addiction. This one refers to addiction that involves the use of substances. The second one is behavioral addiction. This one refers to addiction that involves compulsive behavior. These are persistent, repeated behaviors that you carry out even if they don't offer any real benefit.
So let's talk a little bit more about the Chemical Addiction symptoms.
-the cravings can become so intense, enough so that it affects your ability to focus on anything else but that craving
-unease or worry if you can't easily access the substance
-risking taking the substance while working or driving
-the inability to stop using the substance
-withdrawal symptoms while trying to quit
Some of the most common chemical addictions include: alcohol, opioids, heroin, marijuana, cocaine, nicotine and prescription pain meds
Now signs of Behavioral Addiction include:
-spending large amounts of time engaging in that behavior
-hiding or lying about the behavior
-irritability, anxiety, depression or other withdrawal symptoms when attempting to quit
-using the behavior to escape from unwanted emotions
Some of the most common behavioral addictions are: shopping, gambling, exercising, food, sex, TV and social media.
There are many ways to seek help for both types of addiction. There are rehab centers, therapy, counselling, support groups and more. It is possible to overcome addiction but it must, and I say must be a WANT. I am not an expert or doctor, so I do not have all of the answers...but what I've been guided to talk about is MY journey to healing, and to share how I've done it with the help of my spirit team. Also to shed light upon others struggling with their own addictions. People use addictions to hide from pain and trauma. They use it to numb any painful emotions and if anyone understands that, it is ME!!!!
So back to that 13 year old girl, that is when I started to experiment with alcohol. I liked feeling carefree and any sadness I was feeling from childhood trauma was replaced with a feeling of silliness and laughter....but that is what led to a night of sexual assault at 13. From that evening, my life spiraled out of control. Every chance that I got, I would drink. I would sneak alcohol from my parents liquor cabinet whenever I was going out. I started going to parties at a very young age because one of my best friends was 2.5 years older than me. She would take me with her to hang out with all of her friends. We drank rye and ginger ale every single time before we would leave the house. I was even going to the bars with her when I was just 16.5 years old. I had gotten fake ID and it worked so well, that I was let in everywhere! There wasn't a night that I didn't pre drink before going out anywhere. I felt that I needed to have alcohol to help me let go of my insecurities and to numb any of my emotions.
The biggest problem was that I never knew when to stop. I made such poor choices back then, and sometimes I would black out, throw up, cry or get emotional. I was and still am a very peaceful person, but if someone would hurt me or anger me while I was intoxicated...I had a hard time holding back this internal rage. I was actually kicked out of several bars for fighting. Yes, I know that sounds crazy and I swear I wasn't looking for trouble...but with alcohol, I had the courage to stand up for myself and this led to a few bar fights.
I experimented with a few different types of drugs as well and that mixed with the alcohol was just BAD news...and you would think that I would have learned a lesson with every poor choice, but I didn't. I would just continue to drink because I didn't want to feel anymore. I didn't want to feel anything. I hated myself back then I hated the choices that I made. Alcohol and drugs were my temporary escape from reality.
When I was 19/20 years old I was living with someone in the United States. He was an alcoholic. I was never in love with him, I know that now but at the time I wanted to escape from my parents. He was like a band aid for me at the time. I had always had an issue with alcohol, but living with him put me over the edge. We would also pre drink before we went out and at the bar (I also had a American fake ID) I would drink double cranberry vodkas. Sadly I could keep up with him pretty well. We would have these blow out fights by the end of the night and I would always end up on the phone with someone back home, crying my eyes out. I was miserable there, but I felt that was where I needed to be at the time.
Well, one of my lowest of the low times happened on a night out downtown Dallas Texas. We had a few drinks before we went to meet his friends at the bar one night and while there we kept ordering one after another. Somehow we ended up in a fight AGAIN and I was so upset that I left the bar. I was completely drunk walking the streets of downtown Dallas with high heels on and an outfit only fit for a bar. I remember meeting some random guy that offered to buy me a drink in a bar down the street, and I accepted. I even have a hard time remembering that drink, all I do remember is feeling uncomfortable. I then left him and went outside alone. There were two police officers on bikes out front. I remember talking to them, not really remembering what I had said. The next thing I know, I was placed under arrest and was in handcuffs in the back of a paddy wagon with a bunch of other people. I'm pretty sure I passed out on the way to the police station, and when I came to, I was in a room waiting to be processed for my night in jail. I remember two female police officers stripping me naked and searching me. I was then handed an orange jumpsuit, brown sandals, and shown my cell for the night. There were three other women in there with me. It was such a tiny dark, cold cell with a gross toilet. I was so drunk that all I remember was laying down and passing out.
I woke up in the morning and had to go to get fingerprinted and take a mug shot. I was mortified!!! I was told that I could be let out that morning but would need to appear before a judge in a few weeks. I was arrested for public intoxication. I was given my clothes back, but I had no wallet, no jacket and no money. I tried to call my boyfriend but he wasn't answering. He was probably still passed out drunk. I didn't know what to do...I left the police station walking the streets trying to find a taxi. It was a horrible, scary part of town and I'm dressed as if I was just coming from a club. I was absolutely terrified! After 10 minutes of walking, I finally found a cab and I told them I had no money but would pay them as soon as I got back to the apartment. I believe now that going to jail saved me from what could have been another horrible trauma....
I don't think I had told anyone about my shameful night for many years, except my boyfriends mother. She was a recovering alcoholic and she told me she was so worried about me because I reminded her of herself back in the day. She even reached out to my parents back home and told them that I had a problem, and that I should be in A.A.
Well, I didn't listen. I did however leave him as I knew we were not meant to be together. I continued to drink and use drugs until I tried to get pregnant when I was 30. I cleaned up my life 6 months before because I knew I needed to be healthy if I wanted to be a mother. During the 10 years that my husband and I spent alone without kids, I felt safe to drink with him. He was my protector, but I also knew that I was still hiding from my painful past. I knew that I wanted to continue to be numb because I wasn't ready to heal. Cleaning up my body before pregnancy really helped me. Having my children made me not need to hide anymore because I was so busy doing my best to be a good mother...but when I my youngest was about 2 years old, I had suppressed trauma come to the surface. It was horrific for me, and I instantly relapsed.
For a short time I went back to my old ways and numbed myself. I waited until my babies were asleep as that was my worst time because I was alone with my thoughts. I didn't want to think or feel any more pain...and then my spiritual journey began. I had no other choice but to learn to heal my life. One day I remember crying and I knew that if I called upon Archangel Raphael, he would help me with addiction. I had enough of living a life that I was hiding from....and so I begged my angels to save me. I told them that I would do anything to work on healing myself, and I meant it. The very next day I quit everything. I was DONE! I went right to work on my traumas. It was BRUTAL! I allowed myself to feel it all, and there were days when I wanted to give up. I didn't want to be alive anymore. I almost wished to fall asleep and never wake up...every single time I thought I had healed one wound, another would surface.
There was one particular day that the pain was just too much. I was dying inside and felt that I couldn't go on. My thoughts were going to a very dark place. Nick and the boys were upstairs all sleeping in our bed. I was downstairs hyperventilating, crying, walking around in circles...contemplating taking my life. I wanted the pain to end. I had lived through more traumas than most could ever experience in one lifetime...and I was ANGRY!!!! I was ANGRY that this was the life that I had to live....and as I paced our home with these heavy thoughts, I wasn't considering my husband or children. I was falling deeper and deeper in to that dark hole...when all of a sudden I heard one of my angels yell at me to go upstairs and look at my family...and so I did!
I flew open the door to the bedroom and what I saw was three of the most angelic humans that I have ever known. They were sleeping so peacefully as I stood in the doorway sobbing. It was as if I snapped out of that dark spell and looked at my family with a heart full of gratitude. My children deserved a mother who chose to fight, and my husband deserved a wife that would be his partner in life...to be there to help him raise these incredible humans that we had been gifted.
That night I made a choice. I chose to heal. I chose to fight back and be the best wife and mother that I ever could be...and I was going to do that sober.
So you see, I believe that this is why people turn to addiction. To hide from PAIN...and right now we are in the middle of a pandemic and my spirit team guided me to talk about addiction. Many people are unfortunately turning to addiction to cope. I am fortunate enough to be able to enjoy alcohol once again because I no longer drink to numb...and I may go weeks without a drink, because I don't need it. When I do choose to have that glass of wine or margarita, I do it when I am in a high vibration. I now know that my limit is 1 to 2 drinks, but again, it's not just alcohol and drugs that are the issue. It can be the shopping, the compulsive exercising, sex, TV, eating and social media. We all have our vices, it's part of living a human experience...but what is absolutely CRUCIAL is that you recognize why you have that addiction. What is going on in your life to make you need these things? What are you hiding from???
Healing is never easy, and I totally get it!! It is so bloody hard to do, but our souls are here to learn and evolve...and how can we do that if we remain STUCK???
This pandemic is forcing everyone to heal. When have any of us ever had this much time on our hands? We are being guided to work through our shit. Your spirit guides, and I mean everyone's guides are concerned that people are going to continue to numb their emotions while being isolated. They wanted me to reach out to all of you to help you learn to feel it to heal it. We turn to these addictions because we are afraid to let the mask fall away. We put on a brave face everyday to not only convince others that we are ok, but to also convince ourselves.
As a Medium, I have connected to so many souls on the other side who's lives ended because of addiction. Almost each and every one of those souls told me that they were in pain. They also told me that they also tried to numb everything...and I get it.
So I want to leave you all with this today: Addiction is difficult and so hard to heal from...BUT IT IS POSSIBLE!!!! The one and only thing that makes it possible...is to WANT IT!! You've got to want it so badly that there is no other option BUT to heal your life. Call in your angels and spirit teams to help you, and they will. Ask Archangel Michael and Raphael to help you to heal that addiction. They may guide you to a treatment centre, psychologist, healer or therapist...but it is up to YOU whether or not you choose to go. If you are struggling, please, please reach out to someone. You never have to suffer alone. I'm stubborn, and I did suffer alone for so long...but I finally asked for the help. Yes for me, it was asking my angels but even that took a lot for me to do.
Here I am today, feeling like I don't have to hide anymore, and you can as well!! I always say "You have to feel it, in order to heal it". That is the TRUTH!
Sending you all so much love and light...
Karina
xoxo
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